Pierogies called my name again last night, so I pulled Box Number 2 out of the deep freeze and popped several into the pot. Yum, yum, pierogies again, which makes it about the 10,000th time that I’ve had them and still have yet to tire of them.
So, smiling Beaux walks over to the regular freezer (the one attached to the fridge), opens the door, and is greeted by…
…two pieces of toast.
All I could do was stare.
Not only were there two pieces of toast in the freezer, they were also taking up the ONLY AVAILABLE SPACE FOR MY BOX OF PIEROGIES!!! Talk about adding insult to injury.
I announced to the house my discovery, determined to get to the bottom of this mystery sooner than later.
Bapaw spoke up.
Of course. Of COURSE he did.
Why ever would I have imagined that he wasn’t the one that had put freakin’ pieces of TOAST in the freezer?
So I had to ask him point-blank the “why.”
Now, you have to understand, asking Bapaw “why” can be a very dangerous thing. He may end up talking your ear off, he may end up exploding (we have short tempers), or he may end up actually telling you his reason.
The last is by far the most dangerous response.
And so, “why” was answered:
“I like my crust to be hard.”
So Bapaw likes to have hard crust on his bread, and that’s why he toasts it and spreads butter on one slice, then puts the other slice in the microwave to melt cheese on it, then takes both pieces of hot toast and puts them in the FREEZER.
Not just in the freezer; in the freezer in the only available spot for my pierogies.
I think at this point we can say that my constant paranoia is justifiable. I’m almost sure there are meetings held in secret to figure out exactly how difficult folks can make my life. The plan is likely called “HOW TO DRIVE HIM INSANE,” but I hate to be the one to disappoint you, you’ve already failed as I’m already insane.
So I win.
If I weren’t already insane, then I would be going insane from Bapaw pouring hot coffee, then beating it to death with a spoon for no apparent reason, then adding milk to cool it down, then putting it in the microwave to heat it back up after adding milk to cool it down, then beating it to death with a spoon for no apparent reason (reprise).
Add this to the slow vengeance of people in Slocomb who are trying to crowd us out of our own home by putting vegetables here. Hickory Shade is not called “Vegetable Land.” This is not Princess Tomato and the Salad Kingdom LARP. The freezer that harbors random toast also harbors Random Vegetables that We Will Never Eat™. This year’s vegetable of choice is okra. We have so much frozen okra taking up valuable space in the freezer, and I just want to scream at the top of my lungs that we will never eat all this okra, why have we been given all this okra, why did we accept all this okra, why can’t we be normal and buy frozen food and have one or two things of okra instead of five thousand, and a whole series of other questions that will never receive a reasonable, direct, or intelligible response.
Instead, such complaints have often been met with Bapaw’s rambling on about the Great Depression that he actually didn’t live through but seems to be a complete expert on nonetheless. To that, I’m going to respond, “Okay. If we have a breakdown in society, if we truly enter into another Great Depression, WE WILL CROSS THAT BRIDGE WHEN WE GET THERE.”
But I’m sure even if a Great Depression happens, Bapaw will find some way to freeze his toast to have hard crusts. As for the milk, we’ll probably have to make a miniature hot-tub for one of the goats and keep her near boiling so her milk stays warm, because we’ll probably be without any electricity. Luckily, chopping firewood is a good workout and will provide us with the flames to keep the goat milk hot.
So Bapaw, maybe you will win in even the face of the Apocalypse.
And yes, I think by now everyone knows that Holy Poached Eggs is a testament to not do things that will evoke a rave or a rant in me, as I’ll start raving and ranting on here and turn it into an entire comedy post before you know it. Humor is the best medicine for anger and the drug of choice of the insane.
Carpe Diem, and don’t put any toast in the freezer.